A reader writes:
I’ve been at my workplace for five years; I like the work, I like my coworkers, and I like my direct manager.
The problem is the top of the pyramid. My organization’s leaders have never been the most effective. But recently, disparaging off-hand comments have reached a level where I’m having trouble ignoring how disparaging the upper management is. Specifically, one person in particular repeatedly refers to everyone at my level in the org as though we’re children.
Examples include references in passing to how we are all Gen Z — almost no one is, actually, but when people gently corrected her, she snapped about how it doesn’t really matter because we’re all so young anyway. (It is perhaps relevant that her kids are, in fact, Gen Z; they’re still in high school. I’m in my mid-30s.)
Relatedly, she also recently opined that we don’t know how to be professional about adhering to workplace policies because it’s most people’s first job out of college. This is also not true for almost anyone, and the person it is technically true of has been at the org for almost 10 years. The real problem, in my humble and childish opinion, is that we have no workplace policies, so everyone is trying to make it up as they go.
These condescending comments would be bad enough on their own. But it seems to inform other, more tangible issues like pay, promotion, and general trust in our choices at work. I’m in my 30s, I have a graduate degree, I am talking about buying a house with my partner, and this is not my first job. Yet when our upper management talks about how we’re all just wee wittle babies with no idea what we’re doing, it’s hard to feel as though my work is meaningful or respected. I’ve grown a lot at this job — I’ve won awards! — but I don’t think she’s noticed; to her, I seem to be at the exact same stage, in both work and life more generally, as I was five years ago.
I know I’m not the only one to feel extremely disrespected and beaten down by these comments. We’re unionized, and I know everyone else in the shop feels the same way about these comments, but we’re all kind of stymied; being spoken down to is not really a contractual issue.
For context, we are a small org. We don’t really have HR, and it’s difficult to navigate some of the workplace personnel issues because there aren’t any policies or ways to file complaints. It’s not possible to be anonymous. And this manager, while not technically my direct supervisor, is still someone I see and interface with regularly. We chitchat about life, and she also gives feedback on my work. Her desires and opinion of me impact what I’m doing daily. She also, clearly, does not take criticism constructively.
My direct supervisor gives me a lot of freedom and trust, which is a real saving grace; other people are dealing with this even more. But since we’re so small, he can only insulate me so much.
The obvious answer is to find new work; if my work doesn’t respect me, find a place that does! But I work in an industry with vanishingly few job openings. Also, unlike most other options in my field, my job is stable — even if underpaid compared with industry standard — so I don’t really feel as though I should leave, even if I could find another job, which is also unlikely.
So given that I’m staying here for at least the immediate foreseeable future, I’m wondering how to navigate this issue in a productive way.
Honestly, I don’t think you’re going to solve it, so the best thing you can do is to find ways to let it roll off of you.
That’s not to say that it’s not ridiculous and offensive; it is.
But in a small organization with no HR and this is a senior leader who doesn’t take feedback well … it’s not likely to change.
That doesn’t mean you can’t try! At a minimum, there might be responses you can try in the moment to try to highlight how absurd her comments are, or at least to push back on them. When she remarks on how young you are, you could say, “I’m in my mid-career with a master’s and X years of experience. I’m really concerned if you don’t think I have professional experience or judgment.”
When she says this is most employees’ first job out of college, say, “Wait, what? Most of us are mid-career and have been working for years.”
You could also try addressing it more head-on if you want to: “Can I ask you about something? You’ve made a lot of comments about how inexperienced I am, and I’m really taken aback by it since I’ve been working for X years. Do you have concerns about my work or my judgment that we should talk about?” … and then, depending on her response, possibly followed by, “I know you would want to know if something you were saying was landing the wrong way, so I want to be up-front that it’s demoralizing to hear my work dismissed like that.”
You might also talk to your own boss about the effect this person’s comments are having and ask if he has any insight into where on earth she’s coming from and whether he might consider having a conversation of his own with her (or, for that matter, with other management above him, who might be better positioned to tell her to cut it out).
But if none of that works, your best bet is to find ways not to care. That’s easier said than done, I realize! But this woman’s perspective is so absurd — insisting that you’re all right out of college when you’re not and talking about people in their mid-30s as wee babies — that seeing her very clearly as the jackwagon she appears to be might be the most powerful thing you can do for your own peace of mind.
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